Trim
the Main, Common-App Essay to 650 Words
DIAGNOSIS: Essay was fine, just a bit wordy and
disorganized, especially in paragraph 4. I cut out unnecessary words and fixed grammatical mistakes. Trimmed the essay
from 832 words to 650 words.
JOB: 1 hour: ($400/hour) $ 400. I will bill the parent for my time, in increments of 15 minutes.
Billing: I will bill the parent for my time, in increments of 15 minutes. Note: students should allow a reasonable turnover time for edits (5 to 7 days). It’s impossible for me to edit with short notice, since I have many essays to edit, in addition to my regular tutoring schedule.
ORIGINAL VERSION: (832 words)
As a young child growing up on the concrete island of Manhattan, whose daily routine was dominated by underground travel and a brick-wall view, I knew nature as nothing more than a place for recreation. That was until parents and school introduced me to the wonders of the Natural History Museum. It was there that I began to explore, and for the first time I realized just how much existed beyond the boundaries of my local park. To this day my most fond and vivid memories are those of trips to Central Park, the Bronx Zoo, the New York Aquarium, and so forth, but the most exciting trip was always the next one, so when I was old enough I began spending my summers volunteering for both the Nature Conservancy and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service on Block Island, a small outcrop 12 miles off the Rhode Island coast, where exploration knows no bounds.
With my clothes dirtied and my 12-year-old juices flowing I returned home at 1 pm from my first day volunteering; I already loved it. I had been introduced first to a small group of highly motivated Nature Conservancy staff, and second to the highly invasive plant known as Black swallow-wort, the removal of which made me feel like I was saving the world one pull at a time.
As an adolescent this innocent fun was what volunteering was all about, and yet over the past five years I’ve gained much more from my volunteer work than just a good time. Half way through my third year I began leading nature walks typically designated to older paid interns; I found that regardless of who showed up for these daily excursions, whether young or old, I could act as the spark to ignite their curiosities, just as the Natural History Museum acted as my spark years before. This alone has made waking up at 7:30 am every weekday for the past four summers worth it. I have led a group of underprivileged middle schoolers from Providence through the largest protected salt marsh in Rhode island, students who I learned are typically outdoors for less time per day than is required of maximum security prisoners, students who told me afterwards that they would always remember our adventure, students who were just as excited as I was to find horseshoe crabs and herons alike. But it’s not just children who share this mutual interest in exploration and conservation. I’ve had a neonatal researcher from Yale come on a hike, teaching her how to stop the flow from bleeding wounds with a native plant along the way, and most memorably I have discussed the physiology of hermaphroditic slipper snails with Jim Wallis, President Obama’s spiritual advisor, while bringing a walk through a lowland coastal ecosystem. Even more memorable was that both would eventually come back for more.
When we’re not monitoring and clearing trails, protecting endangered birds, or working on habitat preservation, the interns and I lead hundreds of people each year, from Jim Wallis to those middle schoolers, and everyone between, through Block Island’s trails and down its beaches. It is to give them a better understanding of the world around them, to inspire them to explore it, and to motivate them to protect it. Together over the past few years we have raised thousands of dollars in donations for the Nature Conservancy, and it has finally come to me that I have an identity and a place in the local and global movements for environmental improvement.
I take from these summers, however, just as much as I put into them, and the knowledge I gain each year allows me to connect the dots between academia and my volunteer work. These past few summers have influenced my class choices, motivated me to join and become captain of my schools’ marine biology team, encouraged me to pursue a Marine Biology internship in New York, and driven me to explore and experiment. This past summer, equipped with a local library, eBay, and a rudimentary knowledge of physics, I began to build my own 2 by 4 foot solar panel with the intention of having it power my room. What seemed to be an imminent failure at first turned out to be a surprising success. I had to connect 36 paper thin glass solar cells together, but with 5 newly blistered fingers, 4 broken cells, and 2 days of work with nothing to show for my efforts I was close to giving up. But just like we all fell down the first time we tried to walk I resumed work and within 3 weeks of building and experimenting on my porch I was producing enough sustainable energy to power my computer, phone, and lamp. I am empowered and now quite literally powered by nature, but what continues to motivate me are dreams of creating a better future for myself, for Jim Wallis, and for all those middle schoolers who I know share my dream.
EDITED VERSION: 650 Words
Growing up on the concrete island of Manhattan, my day was dominated by underground travel and brick-wall views. I knew nature as mostly as a place for recreation. That was until my parents introduced me to the Natural History Museum, where I realized just how much existed beyond my local park. My fondest memories are trips to the Bronx Zoo, the Aquarium, and Central Park, but the most exciting trip was always the upcoming one, and my mind yearned for more.
When I was twelve,
I began spending my summers volunteering for both the Nature Conservancy and
the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service on Block Island, a small outcrop 12 miles
from Rhode Island. With my clothes dirtied and my adrenaline flowing, I returned
home from my first day, smiling; I already loved it. I had been introduced to a
group of highly motivated Nature Conservancy staff and to the highly invasive
plant known as Black swallow-wort, the removal of which made me feel like I was
saving the world one pull at a time. Because I was twelve, this innocent fun
was what volunteering was all about.
But over the past five years,
volunteering has become much more than just “fun.” Half way through my third
year I earned the right, typically designated to older, paid interns, to lead
nature walks; I found that, regardless of who showed up for these excursions, I
was able to ignite their curiosities, just as the Natural History Museum had
sparked my mind years before. This alone has made waking up at 7:30 A.M. for
the past four summers worthwhile. I have led a group of underprivileged middle
schoolers from Providence through the largest protected salt marsh in Rhode
Island, students who I learned are typically outdoors every day for fewer hours
than is allowed of maximum-security prisoners, students who told me afterwards
that they would always remember our adventure, students who were just as
excited as I was to find horseshoe crabs and herons. But it’s not just children
who share this mutual interest in exploration. I’ve led a neonatal researcher
from Yale on a hike, during which I taught her how to stop the flow from
bleeding wounds with a native plant. Most memorably, I have discussed the
physiology of hermaphroditic slipper snails with Jim Wallis, President Obama’s
spiritual advisor, while guiding him on a walk through a lowland coastal
ecosystem. Even more memorable was that both adults would eventually come back
for more.
What else did the Block Island internship allow me to do besides lead nature walks? It allowed me to clear trails, protect endangered birds, work on habitat preservation, raise thousands of dollars for the Nature Conservancy Fund, meet new friends, inspire the public to explore nature, and motivate them to protect it. Perhaps most important, the internship gave me an identity and a place in the local and global movements for environmental improvement.
Furthermore, the knowledge I gained each summer has allowed me to connect the dots between my volunteer work and academia. The internships influenced my class choices, motivated me to join and become captain of my school’s marine biology team, encouraged me to pursue a Marine Biology internship, and drove me to explore and experiment. This past summer, equipped with my local library, eBay, and a rudimentary knowledge of physics, I built my own 2-by-4 foot solar panel, which provided power to my bedroom. I had to connect 36 paper-thin glass solar cells together. With 5 blistered fingers, 4 broken cells, and 2 days of poor results, I almost gave up. I took a day off, then resumed work. Within 3 weeks of building on my porch, I was producing enough sustainable energy to power my computer, phone, and lamp. I felt empowered and now, literally, powered by nature. What continues to motivate me are dreams of creating a better future for myself, for Jim Wallis, and for all those middle-schoolers who share my dream.